So you’re ready to bring your “friend” in the bedroom with your partner?
Not THAT friend, your sex toy!
Sex toys are the friends you didn’t know your bedroom needed. Although this is a taboo subject, it is important that we acknowledge how sex toys can enhance sex. The vibrating speeds on the clitoris encourages the vaginal glands to swell which produces vaginal lubrication that makes the vagina wet. Multiple stimulation happening at once can also produce numerous orgasms. Lastly, both parties don’t always have to work as hard. Even with the 3 benefits aforementioned, introducing sex toys to your partner can be a bit of a challenge. You may spend a lot of time overthinking! Your thoughts could range from, “Will my partner think I’m not satisfied with them?” “Will my partner resent me?” “Will my partner think I’m trying to replace them?”
Your thoughts are valid! But sex is fluid. And no one has ever left their relationship because the stimulation of a sex toy was “better.” This topic can be a huge deal in relationships but if this is something you’re ready to explore, go for it using these 5 tips:
Have a conversation with your partner
Choose a setting outside of the bedroom. Aim for the living room and have a favorite, shared snack. To further loosen the mood, play a card game, something that allows talking. Tell your partner what you enjoy about their sexual performance. Then acknowledge your use of sex toys and what you enjoy about them. Finally ask if they’re open to using one during sex! Open the conversation to share your desires. During this conversation, be open to their thoughts, feelings, and ideas! Avoid judging your partner’s opinions and desires they may share with you!
Obtain informed consent
During the conversation, explain to your partner where you want the toy to go. Now will be the time to ask your partner for their boundaries. From here, ensure your partner’s limitations will be respected. Discuss if the toy will be used the entire time during sex. You may agree to use only during foreplay, penetration, oral sex, this is completely up to you! Remember, this is all about establishing trust and comfortability! Don’t be afraid to create a safe word your partner can use when they had enough of the toy. Lastly, have a plan for aftercare!
Demonstrate how it feels on their skin
This will help them feel less intimidated. They will have the opportunity to visualize the toy, learn which body parts will receive the stimulation, and sense how the vibrations or material feels against their skin.
Select the toy together
I recommend a clitoral toy to start! They are versatile, small, can be packed with power, its intended use is for the clitoris, but can be used on any part of the external body. However, allowing your partner to select the toy will help them gain a sense of control and ease. They will feel as though they have a voice in this situation and again, you are further securing their trust
Use water based lube
Water based lube is an important step when using sex toys! If your toys are made with silicone, water based lube will help maintain the integrity of the material. Using silicone lube with a silicone toy will damage the toy over time. Using lube is important because it will help decrease friction. It will feel better vibrating against the skin, lube will increase the pleasure, and create a nice slip! Remember, the wetter the better!
I hope these 5 tips helped you gain confidence with introducing sex toys into your relationship! This is not an easy task for everyone but kudos to you for acknowledging your desires and being open to exploring ways to heat up your bedroom.
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Sex Educator and Author of Self-Pleasure Workbook.
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